So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
