Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
