You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
