I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
