How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Just invented taco cereal.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
