I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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