Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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