So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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