I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
