ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Randomize
