So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
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Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
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My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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