You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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