just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Randomize
