i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
