I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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