Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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