I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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