On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
