A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Randomize
