I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
