I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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