guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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