Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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