I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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