I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Randomize
