Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I need moral support for this bender
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
