Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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