I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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