We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
