There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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