I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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