So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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