the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
