as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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