this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
