I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
