fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
