This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
