so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
