i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
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