When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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