I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
