I wish my penis had an off switch
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
