So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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