If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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