dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
