dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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