The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
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