So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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