the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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