I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I want to walk on stilts...naked
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
