the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
