Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
