My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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