you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
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