I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
