I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
