mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Randomize
